


Therefore I Am

by CaffeineAddict94



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: College, Drabble, Family, Growing Up, Growth, Holidays, Post-Canon, Random & Short, Short One Shot, Thanksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:27:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27715424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaffeineAddict94/pseuds/CaffeineAddict94
Summary: Post-canon. Short one-shot that popped into my head thanks to the upcoming holiday and Billie Eilish's newest song. I'm terrible at writing summaries.
Kudos: 3





	Therefore I Am

**Therefore I Am**

Thanksgiving wasn’t a holiday that Jane cared about. She loved gorging herself with food as much as the next person but, after having to endure an entire day with her family, turkey was no reward. If she was brutally honest with herself, she’d admit that no holiday was a celebration in the Lane household. Her mom would desperately try to encourage enthusiasm but it was always met with resistance. She herself would try her best to avoid all of her siblings and hunker down at her easel until dinner was served. Of course, that never worked out in her favor. As much as her family preferred time for self-reflection and artistic discovery, none of them seemed capable of understanding personal space. Despite everyone having their respective rooms and spaces, someone would find themselves wandering. Jane thought wistfully of the days when her door still had a functioning lock.

“I’m sorry, Janey”.

Trent glanced over at her from his place behind the wheel, the mournful look in his dark eyes more suited for a funeral. Seeing her family wasn’t high on her list of priorities but it was hardly the end of the world.

“Beats being stuck in a dorm all weekend”.

There was only so much alone time she could take before she went nuts. She could spend hours painting, especially when she was fully invested in a piece, but she knew how quickly solitude turned to loneliness.

“No, I meant about…you know”.

Trent was never the most eloquent person but he definitely wasn’t one to mince words. His attempt at discretion was laughable to say the least.

“You know me. Lose my best friend on Monday, bake a pumpkin pie on Thursday”.

Part of her was surprised by how well she was handling things but, on the other hand, she’d been preparing herself for this since the summer. Daria wasn’t the wishful type and, while she considered herself somewhat of a hopeless romantic, she wasn’t unrealistic. They’d both known that ‘best friends forever’ was something possible but unlikely. It’d been easy when they both shared all of the same classes and lived in the same neighborhood. When they were both outcasts, of their own choosing but ousted nonetheless, their friendship was simple. She’d known that college would turn all of that on its head.

“You’re making dessert?”, Trent chuckled, though there was a seriousness on his face that she didn’t miss, “You know I’m here if you wanna talk about anything. No pressure if you don’t”.

That was what she loved the most about her older brother: he never pried. Unlike most people in her life, he didn’t expect anything. He let her move and shift and evolve at her own pace, never judging or pushing. He let her be who she was and that was that. As she’d gotten older, she’d really grown to appreciate that kind of acceptance. It wasn’t easy to come by.

“There’s not much to talk about. We both decided to go our separate ways”.

It sounded too clinical for a relationship that had lasted four years but she wasn’t sure how else to put it. There was no crying, no arguing, no resistance. Daria was as pragmatic as ever and she’d agreed when told they were drifting apart. Jane still felt bad about being the one to start the conversation, never one to rock the boat. She was used to holding onto people so long that she got burned. It was strange having the shoe on the other foot but she couldn’t keep dragging around the bloated corpse of their friendship for the rest of her life.

Okay, maybe that was harsh…harsh but true.

“Just like that, huh?”

Trent wasn’t buying it. Maybe she’d been upset. Frustrated. Annoyed. Daria was dead weight and she was on the verge of drowning. Daria had an annoying knack for criticizing every little move she made, forcing her back into a box that she didn’t fit into anymore. When she’d decided to dye her hair blue, Daria said she was being influenced by her roommates. When she’d joined a gym, Daria scoffed at her for being shallow. Jane could remember every moment that she embraced something new, only to be met with ridicule and derision. She’d been so desperate for a friend back then that she was willing to ‘compromise’, willing to be the Jane that Daria needed. Not anymore.

“She didn’t get along with my other friends. It was a mess”.

Daria hated her roommates, hated her new friends, hated any guy she dared to date. It was a never-ending battle, a constant tug of war that Jane had no hope of winning. Daria didn’t want to branch out but Jane was sick of pizza nights and feigning interest in Daria’s never-ending list of complaints. The girl was downright miserable and Jane often wondered how it’d taken her so long to see it for herself.

“Maybe she was having a hard time”.

When wasn’t she? Jane was a sympathetic person, she always had been, and so she was totally willing to give Daria time. It wasn’t easy being tossed into a new environment with new people. Especially for someone that clung to routine like a life preserver. Jane did her best to encourage conversation but there was only so much she could do when Daria was hellbent on being disagreeable.

“How is that my problem?”

She flinched at the edge in her voice, the anger she’d been keeping a stranglehold on for the past few months finally breaking through. Daria’s problems, somehow, always became her problems. It wasn’t her responsibility to hold Daria’s hand through life, to constantly be the one to try and pull her from her bubble. It was exhausting.

“It isn’t”, Trent shrugged, “It never was”.

She paused, “What do you mean?”

“You’ve always done that, since you were little. Try to fix everything for everyone, like you were superwoman or something”.

“And you’re saying that’s a bad thing?”

“No”, he continued, “It’s not a bad thing but you’ve gotta know when to pull back. You worry about everyone else and you’ll lose yourself in the process”.

She wanted to roll her eyes like she usually did when Trent tried to dispense some sage wisdom but, this time, he had a point. She’d had many moments in her life where she’d lost sight of what she really wanted and who she really was. It was hard to keep track of her own thoughts when someone else needed so much time and attention. She’d never considered how much she’d given up in order to keep the closest friend she’d ever had. Daria certainly hadn’t done the same for her. If anything, Daria had taken more than she’d given. She was an emotional vampire, a leech, and Jane had nearly bled herself dry.

“Huh”, she was too stunned to say much else, “You haven’t been reading mom’s self-help books, have you?”

“No way. Speaking of mom…”

She looked up as they were pulling into the driveway to see their mom standing at the front door, as if she’d been waiting for them to show up. To her dismay, there were already two other cars crowding the street. So much for a few moments of reprieve. She reached for the door but was stopped by a hand at her shoulder.

“If it means anything, I think you made the right call”.

“Thanks, Trent”.

Despite the hell she was sure awaited her inside her childhood home, that was enough to bolster her spirits. She had no idea what today would bring, let alone the days and weeks ahead, but she trusted herself to figure it out along the way.


End file.
